I Will Not Hurt Myself Again

I promise I will not hurt myself again. I will not bump my head on the wall, as it really hurts and the bump stays on for days. I will not punch the wall or any similar things with my hands/fists again, as I fractured my hands doing so and it really sucks to be handicapped even if temporary. I will not self mutilate myself.

I treasure myself, and I treasure my life. I will not harm myself in anyway for anyone as no one is worth for me to do that. Never ever. 

Depressible Me

They say people tend to write diaries and the such when they are in a bad mood, feeling low or depressed. How true that is.

It's been a year and counting to two soon since my last post about new year resolutions in 2010. How these 2 years have passed and the more depressed I get.

My counsellor advised me to continue writing out my feelings as it would help in alleviating my condition. Is that true? Yes, writing it out gives me a chance and a medium to express my emotions, an opportunity that is found wanting in my life now. I no longer talk to my friends about how I feel and about the emotional turbulence I go through. I feel that they have enough of their own to go by, or if not, most of them do not provide valuable advice that I can rely on.

Maybe if I'm still alive and I happen to read through my blogposts one day, will all these negative emotions come back to flood me away into the pulling sea of depression?

I write today, because I feel that I have been suppressed. Suppressed by the woman I think I love and should love for the rest of my life. Why do i have to return home everyday to someone who expresses her discontent and anger on me? Is this home at all? Is this love at all?

I have been enduring her tantrums for the past 4 days. I flared up today and said she was a 'niao ren'. Tame in the vocabulary of obscenities, but effective in its own glory.

Maybe one day, when all the stars align, the tables will turn and the tides will change. I will, however, show more humanity than she has shown to me.

Buddha, bless me. Amitabha.

Into New Horizons!

A new year beckons a new me!

I have been languishing in a quagmire of stagnation for a long period of time now and I can't remember the last time I was proud of myself. My greatest failings have got to be procrastination and indiscipline. It's time to break out.

Firstly, my resolutions for 2010:
1) Quit smoking entirely. Not even social smoking.
- it's tough but I can do it.

2) Cut down on pubbing. Once a week the most.
- this means not visiting Beerhouse or any other place where i can place my hands on alcohol frequently. I may have to relax and de-stress but pubbing is not the only avenue for that now. gotta add that each visit should not see me drinking more than a jug or spending more than 20 bucks.

3) Exercise more. exercising will be my preferred option to destress.
- 30 mins at least for a session, 3 times a week not including Sunday soccer.
- having physical fitness will contribute to having a healthy body and agile mind. Not to mention a taut body will score me well with Dear Dear in the intimacy department.

4) Do well for my studies.
- No more MCs for classes. No more late submissions. Gonna do all my tutorials and readings. Gonna score As!

5) Sleep early rise early.
- Rise and shine at 8 in the morning, latest.
- Sleep at 1 a.m. latest.

6) Spend less save more. To do what a man has gotta do (I know, Buddha knows)
- I will only spend $100 a week, inclusive of petrol and makan dan minuman.
- Cashcard and carpark spending not included.
- Weekend spending with Dear not included though it will have to be frugal too.

I pledge to accomplish the above barring all failures, braving all obstacles, resisting all temptations, accepting no sub-standards, so Buddha help me!

Buddha, bless me with your divine assistance in realizing my resolutions.

Yes i realize it's past 1 already. It starts after this post k.

Quitting smoking

Junming called me yesterday to break some news to me. I was caught by surprise when he said he had a stroke. I was very concerned and went to see him immediately. But it wasn't at the hospital. It was at his place. I thought to myself "Why isn't he in the hospital if he had a stroke?" My questions were answered when i realised it was a minor stroke.

Well I could tell that he was very worried. He even agreed to my suggestion of getting an insurance policy right away. Recommended him to Ian. Junming even said he will want to quit smoking at first, then changed his mind to smoke less. He just won't learn!

Met him today to go JB together. When we met, he told me he had just seen his family doctor and his condition was diagnosed as nerve malfunction. I guess he was quite relieved like I was too. However, This guy then disappointed me when he bought a pack of 14 sticks and finished it later in the day. Incorrigible.

Is it so hard to quit smoking? I have stopped for a week now so far and i have to say sometimes i still have the urge to do social smoking. I guess there has got to be a lot of determination. I'm not addicted to nicotine and there are no withdrawal symptoms as yet. Do people really have nicotine addiction or the addiction to having a stick between your fingers? Well for me, it's the addiction of the hot air going down the windpipe. TO this, I use drinking hot soup as my rehabilitation.

Personally, peer pressure/accompaniment is a major factor in picking up or kicking the habit. When most of your friends smoke, you have company. You tend to wanna smoke. But can't the good influence the bad? The Good has gotta have a lot of determination. Currently, I have tried to help Taiming to kick the habit and i really hope he does. I shall see the next time I meet him.

Buddha, bless me with your divine assistance in quitting smoking!

Sorry

I will let you go now not because I don’t love you or care about this. It is because I deserve this punishment. Sorry seems to be the hardest word, but I have used it too frequently. Maybe it is good that you leave tonight and I shall wake up from my foolishness.

Extreme apologies for incruciating pain inflicted

I was a jerk yesterday on my anniversary with my GF. I called her something that wasn't what she is at all. I guess no matter how i apologise...it will not wash away the pain, damage and guilt that I feel. No matter what, I'm sorry again dear. I love you...forever and ever.

Facebook Bragger

There are so many people on facebook now because of its user-friendly interface and interactive applications. Not only do these things make facebook the leading social networking site, it is also because of the many 'interesting' people who use this channel to brag about their 'achievements'.

This one takes the cake.

Ok so now she is in S’pore.


Wow…she teleports.


Hint: Any Hongkie Gu Wat Zai interested?



Even dear old Cleopatra is not spared.



Maybe you should…and then shave it bald after that.



She buys and sells. No one does business like her. Fickle-mindedly.



No taste…Liverpool!?…and the one who flopped and returned to Spurs almost instantaneously. At least Keane was smart enough to run away.



For a moment I thought there was a spelling mistake. Bitchies, Ouch!


Let’s hear what she says when she is out of SIA and the only place she’ll visit is Hougang Chalet.

Frustration and helplessness

I get this feeling constantly recently.

While I drive. As i sit in the toilet. When I do my work.

Feelings of frustration and helplessness. Premonition of losing some things I cherish dearly.

To an extent, I self-mutilate. Occasionally, i drop tears unknowingly. What is wrong with me?


taken from http://candidmusing.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/insanity.jpg